The optimism/pessimism scale
Should I continue my life?
Optimism flooded through me—optimism, my great weakness or my great strength (depending on whom you asked and on my own mood as well). In Voltaire’s Candide (whose full title is Candide, ou l’Optimisme), the hero’s positivity in the face of the world’s horrors is close to idiotic. (If this is the best of all possible worlds, then those parallel universes must be hellish indeed.) When I wrote my novel Quichotte I lampooned my own nature by making my title character an optimist of the Candidean kind. And now, bedridden and gravely injured as I was, I began to believe that the worst was past, that Milan’s arrival was a sign that a corner had been turned, and happy days would soon be here again.
Rushdie, Salman. Knife: Meditations After an Attempted Murder (p. 81). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Salman writes about his experience in rehab which I found interesting because I have spent five months in orthopedic rehab from September of 2023 to February of 2024. One of the things I noticed was how the nurses would frequently ask me to rate my pain on a scale of 0 - 10. Luckily my pain was usually minimal. However there were three other things that were very noticeable and troubling to me and I constructed my own scales to rate them daily and sometimes hourly.
After pain, my second scale was “mental clarity.” I often experienced a fogginess and lack of concentration.
The third scale was “energy level.” There were many times when I just didn’t have the energy to engage in minimal things like talking with visitors. There were many days when my energy level was at 2 and 3.
The fourth scale is “optimism/pessimism” which Rushdie describes in the passage above. There were days when my optimism was 0 and I wanted to die. Had MAID, medical assistance in dying, been available in New York State as it is in 17 other states and Canada I might have killed myself. I was that despondent and pessimistic. That’s when you need someone to love you. I am blessed by three good friends when my family abandoned me and I obviously got through that desolate period to write this post.
The turning point for me was finding an apartment I could be discharged to. Finding the apartment, a place to go, gave me something to live for. Also, the PTs and OTs were very helpful and encouraging. Without them I couldn’t have recovered to the extent I have.
Yesterday, August 23, will be one year since I tore the quadriceps tendon in my right leg, and tomorrow, August 25th will be one year since I tore the quadriceps tendon in my left leg. On the 29th of August it will be one year since I had the surgery on both legs to repair the tendons and I woke up from the surgery in two leg braces from my upper thighs to my ankles at full extension with no flexibility for 6 weeks. I was a beached whale, totally bedridden, and totally dependent on others for even the smallest things like picking up things I dropped on the floor from my bed.
Optimism when a person’s life has been totally turned upside down is a huge thing. I am filled with joy to learn that Salman got his optimism back. Been there, done that as they say.
Editor’s note: I am a member of the online Allnonfiction book discussion group which discusses a different nonfiction book every month.
During August, 2024, we have been discussing Salman Rushdie’s book, Knife, which describes his attack by a man wielding a knife at the Chautauqua Conference Center in August of 2022 as a result of the fatwa proclaimed in 1989 by the Ayatollah Khomeini for what the Ayatollah said was blasphemy in Rushdie’s novel Satanic Verses 33 years prior to the attack in 2022.
The book being read and discussed by the Allnonfiction book discussion group in September, 2024 is Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. If you would like to join the group go here.