Kindness is the measure of a person
"The essence of all religions is love, compassion, and tolerance. Kindness is my true religion. No matter whether you are learned or not, whether you believe in the next life or not, whether you believe in God or Buddha or some other religion or not, in day-to-day life you must be a kind person. When you are motivated by kindness, it doesn't matter whether you are a practitioner, a lawyer, a politician, an administrator, a worker, or an engineer; whatever your profession or field, deep down you are a kind person."
Dalai Lama
In 2000, I was going through a very tough time in my life. I was 55 years old. Two of my children had been killed 7 years prior in a drunk driving crash. I had been forced out of my job. I was going through a divorce after 35 years of marriage. I had to sell our house as part of the divorce for $50,000.00 less than we paid for it which was all the equity I had accumulated in the world. I was left with about $14,000.00 in debt. I had very little other than my health, a few friends, and my seven living children. I felt like Job in the dung heap.
I was having breakfast with my best friend, Al, and I said to Al, "Al, what is the measure of a man's life?" He never paused; he never missed a beat. Al said to me simply, "Kindness."
I almost fell out of the booth. "Kindness", I said? He nodded.
I was stunned, relieved, felt blessed, because through everything, I had been kind. I have always tried to be kind. Sometimes I fail, but rarely. Usually when I fail at being kind, I am tired, pressured, irritated, but usually I control this very well and I am kind.
I had a client tell me one time that being kind and being nice are not the same thing. He was a pastor and he pointed out to me that Jesus was not always "nice". Jesus said and did some not nice things like when he castigated the Pharisees calling them hypocrites and whited sepulchers, and when he drove the money changers out of the temple. Being kind sometimes requires that we hold people accountable, call a spade a spade, take an unpopular position on things.
So, I like what the Dalai Lama says. You don't always have to be nice but the essence of all religions is kindness. Unitarian Universalists believe in the inherent worth and dignity of every person, and justice, equity, and compassion in our human relations. In other words, Unitarian Universalism calls people, as does the Dalai Lama, to be kind. Jesus said that the way to the Kingdom is “to love as I have loved.”
It has struck me in my life that sometimes the universe sends the messages we need to hear at the right time if we are open to hearing the message. Jesus says in Matthew 11:15, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” I had the ears to hear Al’s message that day, and I got the message that through thick and through thin, good times and bad, the goal to which we should aspire is to conduct ourselves with kindness. We do this not just for other people but because we care about the kind of person we are. It is in being kind to others that we are kind to ourselves. It is a paradox in life that we get what we give, we learn what we teach, we reap what we sow. What goes around comes around.
I have been told that President Harry Truman defined a lady and a gentleman as someone who exhibits grace under pressure. To exhibit grace under pressure requires self awareness, self discipline, and skill in interacting with others. This form of kindness requires practice and we get better at it with persistent effort over a period of time. With enough practice, kindness starts to come automatically, naturally.
There was a popular movement that began back in the 80s. It is written in Wikipedia, “A random act of kindness is a selfless act performed by a person or people wishing to either assist or cheer up an individual person or people. The phrase may have been coined by Anne Herbert, who says that she wrote "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty" on a place mat at a Sausalito restaurant in 1982 or 1983. Either spontaneous or planned, random acts of kindness are encouraged by various communities.”
Engaging in this kind of activity is fun and socially beneficial, but this form of kindness was not what Al was referring to. What Al was referring to was a quality of character, the emanation of spirit, the manifestation of divine grace in the life of the person. This form of kindness is not necessarily what someone does, it is not a behavior, as much as it is a quality of being, a part of who someone is. This kind of kindness is a quality which is a measure of a person.
It is a very high compliment to refer to a person as a kind person. The person’s value is not based on what they have, or what they do, or other social status, but rather the qualities of their character, their virtues.
It is the challenge of parents, of schools, of society to encourage the development of children into kind adults. Remember to be kind is not the same thing as being nice. Kind people are people of integrity who uphold the best in themselves and in others. They facilitate and nurture the divine spark in each person so that each can become all he or she is capable of becoming. This requires accountability and discipline as much as affection and support.
I had lost everything but my health and friends: my marriage, two of my children, my home, my assets, my job, and I was feeling desolate, like a victim of forces way outside of my control. When I asked Al, plaintively, “What is the measure of a man?” and he said, “Kindness”, I felt back in control. I can’t control most of the external circumstances of my life, but I can control how I manage myself in relation to them. I felt validated, affirmed, and empowered to deal with the tragedy and nonsense in my life in a kind way. That I can do. Maybe things are not so bad after all.
Discussion guide
Describe a time when you “hit bottom”, you felt the lowest you have ever felt in your life. What did you make of it? How did you get through it?
What do you think about the idea that “kind” and “nice” are not the same thing? Can you give examples of how this distinction works in your life? Are there times when you have been nice but not necessarily kind, and kind but not necessarily nice?
What do you think of the idea that when we are kind, it benefits ourselves as much, if not more, than other people?
What do you think of the idea that a virtue like kindness takes repeated effort over time before it becomes automatic, comes naturally?
Is kindness a behavior or a quality of character, a virtue, or both?
Would you describe yourself as a kind person? Do you ever do kind things? Does doing kind things alone make you a kind person?
The author states that having lost everything, he felt better when he realized he had not lost his capacity to manage himself and circumstances in a kind way. Have you ever had a similar experience when you realized that while you can’t always control the circumstances in your life, you can always control how you respond to them? Give an example.